Another Unintentionally Hilarious Album Cover - Eire Apparent

 

EARTH! FIRE! WIND! WATER! With our powers and disinterested expressions, we form... CAPTAIN PLANET!

Unintentionally Hilarious Album Cover - The Many Moods of Belafonte

 

Apparently, Harry Belafonte has three moods: confusion, happiness, and orgasm.

Pope Benedict Unveils Debut Album - Exclusive Track Listing!

Reuters just reported today that Pope Benedict is set to release his debut album. This, of course, is trailing on the massive success of other public figures turning to music, including Paris Hilton, Shaquille O'Neal, and William Shatner.

The debut album, titled "Alma Mater" ("Nourishing Mother") will be unleashed into record stores on November 30, hopefully on CD, Vinyl, iTunes, and a USB stick in the shape of a crucifix.

According to Reuters, "The album will feature the backing vocals of The Choir of the Philharmonic Academy of Rome blended with modern classicist recordings by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. It will be mixed at London's Abbey Road Studios." While the Vatican has not revealed anything else to Reuters, we got the skinny on the other guest appearances on the album, as well as the cover art:



1. Introduction
2. Pimp On Da Pulpit (Feat. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra and Lil Wayne)
3. No Fuckin' Wit A Rubber (Feat. Kanye West)
4. Fuck Da Protestants
5. Infallible (Feat. T-Pain)
6. Vatican City Pimpin'
7. Cruzin' In Da Popemobile
8. Don' Mess Wit Jesus (Feat. Snoop Dogg)
9. Saint Tupac
10. Shawty In Confession
11. Pious Muthafucka (Feat. The Choir of the Philharmonic Academy of Rome)
12. Damn, It Feels Good To Be Da Pope

And for those that pre-order it off of iTunes, you get a music video of "Pimp on Da Pulpit" as well as the bonus track "Vatican City Pimpin' (Timbaland Club Remix)"

Boom Boom Pow - Lyric Analysis

The Black Eyed Peas are killing music like a viral infection. They infiltrate the Billboard charts and slowly suppress other deserving songs, often times, choking worthwhile songs out of existence. Their generic beats and dumb-as-rocks lyrics liquify your brain through constant exposure, until you're helpless to admit that you actually kinda like them.

But what goes behind a Black Eyed Peas song? I take a look into the lyrics to see what propaganda Will.I.Am, Fergie, and those other people are injecting into the public's minds:

Gotta get-get, gotta get-get
Gotta get-get, gotta g-g-g-get-get-get, get-get

They have to get something. Apparently, that thing is so difficult to obtain that one gets a stutter in the process.

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom

Okay, so now we know what they "gotta get-get". For those that don't know, "boom" could either refer to an explosion, a boom microphone, a time of rapid growth, a small town in Belgium, or just the sound from a bass drum. And they have to get it right away. Perhaps their urgency will be revealed later on.

Yo, I got that hit that beat the block
You can get that bass overload
I got the that rock and roll
That future flow

Wait... but they need the boom boom pow! In this verse, it turns out they already have it. Apparently it's not that difficult if they get it within the first verse. I predict the rest of the song will be just bragging. Also, this is the first time of many in this song in which the Black Eyed Peas claim they have the sound of the future. Also, note that they think "that rock and roll" is the future. Being a hip-hop group, this is rather unlikely.

That digital spit
Next level visual shit
I got that boom boom pow
How the beat bang, boom boom pow

They suddenly do an about-face in their allegiances. Suddenly, the "future flow" is described as "spit" and "shit". At least they've finally come to terms about what their music is. Also, note that they already have the "boom boom pow". Mission accomplished.

I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin' my style
They try copy my swagger
I'm on that next shit now

That's right. Chickens are "jacking" Fergie's "style." This may be the first documented case of racism against poultry in a hip-hop song. In a candid moment, Fergie also confesses that she's moved on from one type of shit to another. Either that, or swaggering chickens make her use the bathroom multiple times in one day.

I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom, boom, boom
That future boom, boom, boom
Let me get it now

NEWSFLASH: FERGIE IS A HIP-HOP ROBOT, BRINGING US MUSIC FROM THE FUTURE. If this is what the music of 3008 sounds like, I'm perfectly content with being "2000 and late". Apparently to this group, finding the music of the future is more important than appreciating the works of the past. (For artsy types, a proper analogy would be a toddler looking at the Mona Lisa, saying "fuck that shit!" and proceed to finger paint a stick figure.)


Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow

The chorus. The boom boom pow is apparently a slippery character. In the verses they have it... but they need in the chorus. Might I mention that if this is the music of the future, why is it happening now? That would be the music of the present. Which means... what would be the future?! Thank you for messing with the space-time continuum, Black Eyed Peas.

I'm on the supersonic boom
Y'all hear the spaceship zoom
When, when I step inside the room
Them girls go ape-shit, uh

Remember kids: standing on a very loud soundwave is very, very dangerous. Don't attempt at home. In reality, we probably couldn't hear the "spaceship zoom", unless in the future space can actually transmit sound waves. Back on earth, girls are going ape-shit over that guy that isn't Will.I.Am.

Y'all stuck on Super 8 shit
That low-fi stupid 8 bit
I'm on that HD flat
This beat go boom boom bap

I'm still trying to find a reason why it's appealing to insult the listener over and over again. After all, they're calling us outdated. If a person started insulting me without even knowing me, I'd probably stop listening to them. Either that, or kick them in the groin.
Also note that HD flat screens are the present, not the future. I'm starting to think that the Black Eyed Peas have amnesia and are totally convinced that they're in some future world.

I'm a beast when you turn me on
Into the future cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Sexy ladies extra longer

Refencing Transformers while mentioning having sex with women... that usually doesn't fly with the ladies. Trust me on that one. Also, great job trying to quote Daft Punk. It would be even better if you weren't dyslexic.

'Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat that 808
That the boom, boom in your town

For those that don't know, the Roland TR-808 is a popular drum machine, especially used in the eighties. For hating that "stupid 8-bit", they claim they have the beat produced from the 8-bit era. Hypocrites.

People in the place
If you wanna get down
Put your hands in the air
Will.i.am drop the beat now

Getting down whilst putting your hands in the air is counter-productive. Especially if you have sonic booms flying overhead. Will.I.Am prepares to drop the beat. Judging by previous lyrics and a rudimentary understanding of physics, the beat will then bounce, rise up to half the original height, and bounce again indefinitely.

Yup, yup I be rockin' them beats, yup, yup
I be rockin' them beats, y-y-yup, yup

The old switch-er-oo! Instead of dropping the beat, Will.i.am fakes us out by rocking it instead. Either he's tricky, or he's the worst Simon Says player ever.

Here we go, here we go, satellite radio
Y'all gettin' hit with boom boom
Beats so big I'm steppin' on leprechauns
Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all you with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all you with the

Satellite radio gets hit with boom boom. I didn't realize the BEP were equipped with satellite-destroying missiles. I would like to request a moment of silence for all of the poor leprechauns that got trampled by Will.i.am's beats.
...
You will be missed. Also, Will.i.am mistreats his listeners once more. Although I will admit this does feel like this song is shitting on me.

...And then they repeat practically everything else they said previously in the song. This is probably so that they can "break it down." Personally, I think it's because it's hard to top squashing leprechauns and shitting on their listeners.

So what 11 things can we learn from this song?

1. The Black Eyed Peas gotta get-get that boom boom pow.
2. The Black Eyed Peas have that boom boom pow.
3. Chickens are jacking Fergie's swagger.
   
4. Fergie thinks she's from the year 3008. She happens to be 999 years off.
5. Girls go apeshit over that guy that's not Will.I.Am
6. The Black Eyed Peas love their own music, yet hate it at the same time.
7. The Other Not-Will.I.Am is a beast in bed. Plus, he can reference Transformers and horribly misquote Daft Punk.
8. Beats bounce when dropped.
9. Will.I.Am has a personal vendetta against leprechauns. Getting down is the best way to expose the little green devils hidden in the audience.
10. Will.I.Am will shit on you.
11. Black Eyed Peas fans love to be insulted.
    

Five Star Albums - #1: Franz Ferdinand - Self-Titled

I'm sure everyone remembers clearly an event that changed their life. It's a birth, a starting point that throws the rest of your life in a completely different direction. I still remember what changed my life, five years ago.

I was thirteen at the time. I was sitting in the backseat of the minivan, and I had set down my Game Boy or whatever it was I was playing at the time. My family and I were westbound, heading to yet another soccer tournament that my sister would participate in that summer. I didn't go on these trips to support my sister. All I really cared about was seeing the open road, getting a change of scenery for once. As a thirteen-year-old, I didn't have that much autonomy. That minivan was the only way my world would get bigger.

Anyways, those details are not important compared to what happened next. My parents put a CD into the car stereo. I didn't pay much attention at first, but as time wore on, the music piqued my interest. Lyrics flowed into my ear... “So find me and follow me/through corridors, refectories/and files you must follow/leave this academic factory...” “...Fire burning inside of me/paralyze, destroying completely/and now, there is a fire in me/a fire that burns...”

I don't remember anything else from that trip. Weeks after, those few melodies I remembered semi-well still stuck in my head. It was an experience I had never felt before. After days of humming these nameless songs to myself, I finally worked up the courage to ask my father... could he burn a copy of that CD for me?

I dunno why I was nervous to ask it. I had never really expressed any musical taste beforehand, so it was odd to say that I actually liked an artist. But my wish was granted. The next day, I had in my hands a burned CD, with the words “Franz Ferdinand” written in sharpie. I dusted off my portable CD player, dug out my headphones, and laid in my bed, truly listening to the album for the first time.

A singer with a Scottish accent crooned as he strummed an acoustic guitar. He sang of a girl named Jacqueline, who was admired by afar from Ivor. But soon, a steady bass line kicked in... then the drums, then electric guitar. And as I learned it's better on holiday, I was blown away. Before I knew it, 45 minutes had passed, and the album was over.

I waited to see if there was anything more... that's it. 11 songs. So I just hit play again. I didn't just find music that I kinda liked. I was in love.

Soon after, I started asking my father about other bands. He was happy to recommend a few. Soon I was discovering music on my own, and falling in love all over again. The Killers. Modest Mouse. They Might Be Giants. A whole world had opened up to me.

Listening to it again, I can easily see why I fell in love in the first place. There's a raw energy that permeates the entire record, but it's not messy. Each track is perfectly crafted. Nicholas McCarthy provides some of the most hummably melodic guitar lines I've ever heard. Paul Thompson provides a disco-like beat that is impossible to not tap your foot along to. Bob Hardy's bass lines groove through the entire album. And Alex Kapranos' vocals are cool, confident, and incredibly sexy.
This is one of those rare albums that doesn't have a single filler track. Each track had a real potential for being released as a single. And hell, half of the album was. “Take Me Out”, “Matinee”, “This Fire”, “Darts of Pleasure”, and “Michael” were all released as singles within the first year the album came out. And all of them certainly deserved to be hits, even though only “Take Me Out” made any mainstream success.

Now, five years after that car trip, my music collection has grown from a few burned CDs to over 350 albums, singles, and Eps that I am proud to call my own. And I have an even larger digital collection. But still, in all this, Franz Ferdinand's first album has a special place in my heart.

...And it just got better.

It's funny the curveballs life will throw at you, especially when it's even better fortune than what you've had before. A good kind of funny, though.

First of all, in Drama... I GOT CAST. As it turns out, callbacks went pretty damn well. The next day, I went to my Acting I class, and one of my classmates came up to me to tell me "Congratulations". I looked at him, rather confused. Then he told me that it was the casting, but wouldn't tell me anything more to ruin the surprise. So I sat uncomfortably through the entire class before practically sprinting across campus to the Performing Arts Center. As it turns out, I was cast as William Page, a schoolboy. The role does not have much stage time, but I'm still glad to be a part of the cast, especially since there were about 100 people that auditioned. For those who can make it, Merry Wives of Windsor will be performing December 2-6 this year.

I got a little special gift from Karma when I headed to my stagecraft class last Thursday. I put in two dollars to get a drink... and three bucks in quarters spat out.

And finally, even though I had talked a lot about Kelcie in the last post, life steered me in a completely different direction by the end of the week. We still remain friends, though. I think.
On Friday, I got this invitation on Facebook to go to a movie. One of my "friends" on there who I didn't really know was sending it out, just to a group of her own friends. The movie was "Burn After Reading", which I had really wanted to see anyways. So I went with her and one other friend. The movie was absolutely hilarious, from start to finish (And apparently Missoula really goes nuts for JK Simmons, much in the way that Germans love David Hasselhoff). We hung out for a little bit afterwards, playing some intense rounds of ping-pong. And then the night was over.
The next day, she texted me, asking if I wanted to hang out for a bit. So we did. We had dinner, then went up to her room (Right next to Jayme's room in Knowles, oddly enough, which is right next to Sarah and Cassie's room), got lost in conversation, then watched Monty Python's Life of Brian. Somewhere in the middle of it all, we started to hold hands. And then after the movie was over... we kissed.

So we've hung out every day since then. Watching movies, or just walking around and telling stories.

Her name's Jessica. And she's now my girlfriend.

Life is good.

It feels really good to say that, actually. Especially since I'm not even lying to myself when I say it.

Now that I'm knee-deep in classes, I'm really starting to find and develop my niche. My theater classes have given me new peeps to hang out and talk theater with, like Kendal, Jenna, and Jason. Being thespians, it's always rather entertaining and helps me get through class at times.

I had my first auditions on Saturday, probably one of the single most nerve-wracking experiences in my life. Not only did I have to use my own material, I was doing this in a room full of people that were obviously older than me. I was auditioning alongside people who had performed in the Montana Rep! Still, I did rather well in the audition and was called back on Sunday, which was just about as nerve-wracking. Now, I was definitely the youngest guy in the room, called back to play the romantic lead (Fenton in Merry Wives of Windsor). Rather awkward, but fun, pretending to fall in love with actresses that were obviously older than me that I had not met until then. Still, I held my ground, and I think I did rather well. I shall wait and see what happens. Even if I don't get a part, it was still really exciting to be back on stage again after a long time. Even performing for five people was as exhilarating as acting in front of a full house.

Outside of classes, I've actually been developing social skills, something I hadn't entirely exercised for a year or two. Sarah's 18th birthday was last Wednesday, so a bunch of us conspired and gave her a pretty cool surprise party in the study lounge of Knowles hall. Even though half the people there didn't know her, she was still pleasantly surprised and had a fun night.
I did as well. As is the norm, I was one of very few males in there. So, I took this opportunity to chat with her dorm-mates, and ended up in this long discussion with a fellow music geek named Jayme. We were still debating our respective favorite Beatles albums after the party was over.
So, overcoming every single mental block that I had, I asked if we could hang out the next night. So we did, and we ran into her friend Kelcie. She seemed kinda weird and off-the-wall, but in a charming way. As we hung out, Kelcie and I hit it off rather well. We wandered a bit into town, eventually making our way to a record store where I bought my first vinyl records. I picked up two used 7" singles of The Beatles' "Come Together" b/w "Something" and Paul McCartney's "Band on the Run" b/w "Nineteen Hundred and Eighty Five", as well as a new copy of Arcade Fire's "Keep The Car Running" b/w "Broken Window". All of them are prominently on display in my room.

After that night, I got a message from Kelcie asking if I wanted to hang out. I graciously accepted. So we hung out until 3 in the morning. The next day, after auditions, we hung out again until the wee hours of the morning, watching Monty Python and Sweeney Todd. During this time we found out that we really actually liked each other. So, we shall see where that goes.

Overall, though, I've just been having fun here in Missoula. And hopefully I'll update this blog a little more regularly!