Unintentionally Hilarious Album Cover #3 - David Bowie

 

Forensic scientists have concluded that this is the least awesome photo of David Bowie ever taken.

Blue Oyster Cult To Release New Album Exclusively Through The Dollar Tree

Hot on the heels of the announcement that glam rock legends Kiss will be releasing their latest album "Sonic Boom" exclusively through Wal-Mart, and the smashing success of both Prince's Target-exclusive album "LOtUSFLOW3R" and Best Buy's exclusive release of Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy", Dollar Tree, Inc. has announced today that it will be the exclusive carrier of Blue Oyster Cult's newest album, "Soft White Underbelly."



In a press event Monday morning, CEO Bob Sasser and BOC vocalist Eric Bloom stood in front of the Wichita, KS store to formally announce the exclusive deal.
"For years, people have been coming to this store to buy party supplies, last minute greeting cards, and cheap off-brand office supplies. We at the Dollar Tree feel that Blue Oyster Cult's deep, ponderous lyrics and hard rock riffs fit perfectly with our commitment to give you the absolute best for only a dollar," an enthusiastic Sasser announced.
"While we were writing songs like "Don't Fear The Reaper" and "Burnin' for You", Buck, Richard and I would often drop by here to get a bag of cheap candy and a couple of helium baloons. That really had an effect on how these songs ultimately turned out," quipped Bloom.

Blue Oyster Cult join The Eagles, REO Speedwagon, Journey, and AC/DC as rock acts to release their comeback albums exclusively through one retailer. However, this is the first such deal for bargain bin retailer Dollar Tree.

As expected, when the album hits stores on December 14, it will be at the price of only one dollar.

"The price is what really attracted us to the deal", Bloom explained, "As I was talking this over with the band, we all agreed. We'd pay that much for the album. And if you really liked it, you could buy it a few more times, give it to friends, stuff like that."

In other news, Foghat is expected to donate truckloads of their latest album to the nearest Goodwill.

Another Unintentionally Hilarious Album Cover - Eire Apparent

 

EARTH! FIRE! WIND! WATER! With our powers and disinterested expressions, we form... CAPTAIN PLANET!

Unintentionally Hilarious Album Cover - The Many Moods of Belafonte

 

Apparently, Harry Belafonte has three moods: confusion, happiness, and orgasm.

Pope Benedict Unveils Debut Album - Exclusive Track Listing!

Reuters just reported today that Pope Benedict is set to release his debut album. This, of course, is trailing on the massive success of other public figures turning to music, including Paris Hilton, Shaquille O'Neal, and William Shatner.

The debut album, titled "Alma Mater" ("Nourishing Mother") will be unleashed into record stores on November 30, hopefully on CD, Vinyl, iTunes, and a USB stick in the shape of a crucifix.

According to Reuters, "The album will feature the backing vocals of The Choir of the Philharmonic Academy of Rome blended with modern classicist recordings by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. It will be mixed at London's Abbey Road Studios." While the Vatican has not revealed anything else to Reuters, we got the skinny on the other guest appearances on the album, as well as the cover art:



1. Introduction
2. Pimp On Da Pulpit (Feat. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra and Lil Wayne)
3. No Fuckin' Wit A Rubber (Feat. Kanye West)
4. Fuck Da Protestants
5. Infallible (Feat. T-Pain)
6. Vatican City Pimpin'
7. Cruzin' In Da Popemobile
8. Don' Mess Wit Jesus (Feat. Snoop Dogg)
9. Saint Tupac
10. Shawty In Confession
11. Pious Muthafucka (Feat. The Choir of the Philharmonic Academy of Rome)
12. Damn, It Feels Good To Be Da Pope

And for those that pre-order it off of iTunes, you get a music video of "Pimp on Da Pulpit" as well as the bonus track "Vatican City Pimpin' (Timbaland Club Remix)"

Boom Boom Pow - Lyric Analysis

The Black Eyed Peas are killing music like a viral infection. They infiltrate the Billboard charts and slowly suppress other deserving songs, often times, choking worthwhile songs out of existence. Their generic beats and dumb-as-rocks lyrics liquify your brain through constant exposure, until you're helpless to admit that you actually kinda like them.

But what goes behind a Black Eyed Peas song? I take a look into the lyrics to see what propaganda Will.I.Am, Fergie, and those other people are injecting into the public's minds:

Gotta get-get, gotta get-get
Gotta get-get, gotta g-g-g-get-get-get, get-get

They have to get something. Apparently, that thing is so difficult to obtain that one gets a stutter in the process.

Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom

Okay, so now we know what they "gotta get-get". For those that don't know, "boom" could either refer to an explosion, a boom microphone, a time of rapid growth, a small town in Belgium, or just the sound from a bass drum. And they have to get it right away. Perhaps their urgency will be revealed later on.

Yo, I got that hit that beat the block
You can get that bass overload
I got the that rock and roll
That future flow

Wait... but they need the boom boom pow! In this verse, it turns out they already have it. Apparently it's not that difficult if they get it within the first verse. I predict the rest of the song will be just bragging. Also, this is the first time of many in this song in which the Black Eyed Peas claim they have the sound of the future. Also, note that they think "that rock and roll" is the future. Being a hip-hop group, this is rather unlikely.

That digital spit
Next level visual shit
I got that boom boom pow
How the beat bang, boom boom pow

They suddenly do an about-face in their allegiances. Suddenly, the "future flow" is described as "spit" and "shit". At least they've finally come to terms about what their music is. Also, note that they already have the "boom boom pow". Mission accomplished.

I like that boom boom pow
Them chickens jackin' my style
They try copy my swagger
I'm on that next shit now

That's right. Chickens are "jacking" Fergie's "style." This may be the first documented case of racism against poultry in a hip-hop song. In a candid moment, Fergie also confesses that she's moved on from one type of shit to another. Either that, or swaggering chickens make her use the bathroom multiple times in one day.

I'm so 3008
You so 2000 and late
I got that boom, boom, boom
That future boom, boom, boom
Let me get it now

NEWSFLASH: FERGIE IS A HIP-HOP ROBOT, BRINGING US MUSIC FROM THE FUTURE. If this is what the music of 3008 sounds like, I'm perfectly content with being "2000 and late". Apparently to this group, finding the music of the future is more important than appreciating the works of the past. (For artsy types, a proper analogy would be a toddler looking at the Mona Lisa, saying "fuck that shit!" and proceed to finger paint a stick figure.)


Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom pow

The chorus. The boom boom pow is apparently a slippery character. In the verses they have it... but they need in the chorus. Might I mention that if this is the music of the future, why is it happening now? That would be the music of the present. Which means... what would be the future?! Thank you for messing with the space-time continuum, Black Eyed Peas.

I'm on the supersonic boom
Y'all hear the spaceship zoom
When, when I step inside the room
Them girls go ape-shit, uh

Remember kids: standing on a very loud soundwave is very, very dangerous. Don't attempt at home. In reality, we probably couldn't hear the "spaceship zoom", unless in the future space can actually transmit sound waves. Back on earth, girls are going ape-shit over that guy that isn't Will.I.Am.

Y'all stuck on Super 8 shit
That low-fi stupid 8 bit
I'm on that HD flat
This beat go boom boom bap

I'm still trying to find a reason why it's appealing to insult the listener over and over again. After all, they're calling us outdated. If a person started insulting me without even knowing me, I'd probably stop listening to them. Either that, or kick them in the groin.
Also note that HD flat screens are the present, not the future. I'm starting to think that the Black Eyed Peas have amnesia and are totally convinced that they're in some future world.

I'm a beast when you turn me on
Into the future cybertron
Harder, faster, better, stronger
Sexy ladies extra longer

Refencing Transformers while mentioning having sex with women... that usually doesn't fly with the ladies. Trust me on that one. Also, great job trying to quote Daft Punk. It would be even better if you weren't dyslexic.

'Cause we got the beat that bounce
We got the beat that pound
We got the beat that 808
That the boom, boom in your town

For those that don't know, the Roland TR-808 is a popular drum machine, especially used in the eighties. For hating that "stupid 8-bit", they claim they have the beat produced from the 8-bit era. Hypocrites.

People in the place
If you wanna get down
Put your hands in the air
Will.i.am drop the beat now

Getting down whilst putting your hands in the air is counter-productive. Especially if you have sonic booms flying overhead. Will.I.Am prepares to drop the beat. Judging by previous lyrics and a rudimentary understanding of physics, the beat will then bounce, rise up to half the original height, and bounce again indefinitely.

Yup, yup I be rockin' them beats, yup, yup
I be rockin' them beats, y-y-yup, yup

The old switch-er-oo! Instead of dropping the beat, Will.i.am fakes us out by rocking it instead. Either he's tricky, or he's the worst Simon Says player ever.

Here we go, here we go, satellite radio
Y'all gettin' hit with boom boom
Beats so big I'm steppin' on leprechauns
Shittin' on y'all with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all you with the boom boom
Shittin' on y'all you with the

Satellite radio gets hit with boom boom. I didn't realize the BEP were equipped with satellite-destroying missiles. I would like to request a moment of silence for all of the poor leprechauns that got trampled by Will.i.am's beats.
...
You will be missed. Also, Will.i.am mistreats his listeners once more. Although I will admit this does feel like this song is shitting on me.

...And then they repeat practically everything else they said previously in the song. This is probably so that they can "break it down." Personally, I think it's because it's hard to top squashing leprechauns and shitting on their listeners.

So what 11 things can we learn from this song?

1. The Black Eyed Peas gotta get-get that boom boom pow.
2. The Black Eyed Peas have that boom boom pow.
3. Chickens are jacking Fergie's swagger.
   
4. Fergie thinks she's from the year 3008. She happens to be 999 years off.
5. Girls go apeshit over that guy that's not Will.I.Am
6. The Black Eyed Peas love their own music, yet hate it at the same time.
7. The Other Not-Will.I.Am is a beast in bed. Plus, he can reference Transformers and horribly misquote Daft Punk.
8. Beats bounce when dropped.
9. Will.I.Am has a personal vendetta against leprechauns. Getting down is the best way to expose the little green devils hidden in the audience.
10. Will.I.Am will shit on you.
11. Black Eyed Peas fans love to be insulted.